话说慈父(Words from A Loving Father)

详细内容

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inthedoorwayofmyhome,ilookedcloselyatthefaceofmy23-year-oldson,daniel,hisbackpackbyhisside.weweresayinggood-bye.inafewhourshewouldbeflyingtofrance.hewouldbestayingthereforatleastayeartolearnanotherlanguageandexperiencelifeinadifferentcountry.

itwasatransitionaltimeindaniel'slife,apassage,astepfromcollegeintotheadultworld.iwantedtoleavehimwithwordsthatwouldhavesomemeaning,somesignificancebeyondthemoment.butnothingcamefrommylips.nosoundbrokethestillnessofmybeachsidehomeonlongisland.outside,icouldheartheshrillcriesofseagullsastheycircledtheever-changingsurf.inside,istoodfrozenandquiet,lookingintothesearchingeyesofmyson.

whatmadeitmoredifficultwasthatiknewthiswasnotthefirsttimeihadletsuchamomentpass.whendanielwasfive,itookhimtotheschool-busstoponhisfirstdayofkindergarten.ifeltthetensioninhishandholdingmineasthebusturnedthecorner.isawcolorflushhischeeksasthebuspulledup.hisquestioningeyeslookedupatmine.

whatisitgoingtobelike,dad?canidoit?willibeokay?andthenhewalkedupthestepsofthebusanddisappearedinside.andthebusdroveaway.andihadsaidnothing.

adecadeorsolater,asimilarsceneplayeditselfout.withhismother,idrovehimtothecollegeofwilliamandmaryinvirginia.hisfirstnight,hewentoutwithhisnewschoolmates.whenhemetusthenextmorning,hewassick.hewasingdownwithmononucleosis,butwecouldnotknowthatthen.wethoughthehadahangover.

inhisroom,danlaystretchedoutonhisbedasistartedtoleaveforthetriphome.itriedtothinkofsomethingtosaytogivehimsomecourageandconfidenceashestartedthisnewphaseoflife.again,wordsfailedme.imumbledsomethinglike,"hopeyoufeelbetter,dan."andileft.now,asistoodbeforehim,ithoughtofthoselostopportunities.howmanytimeshaveweallletsuchmomentspass?

aparentdies,and,insteadofgivingaeulogyourselves,weletaclergymanspeak.achildasksifsantaclausisreal,orwherebabiesefrom,and,embarrassed,wesloughitoff.whenadaughtergraduatesorasonismarried,wewatchthemgothroughthemotionsoftheceremony.butwedon'tseekoutourchildrenandfindaquietmomenttotellthemwhattheyhavemeanttous.orwhattheymightexpecttofaceintheyearsahead.

howfasttheyearshadpassed.danielwasborninneworleans,slowtowalkandtalk,andsmallofstature.hewasthetiniestinhisclass,buthedevelopedawarm,outgoingnatureandwaspopularwithhispeers.hewascoordinatedandagile,andhebecameadeptinsports.

baseballgavehimhisearliestchallenge.hewasanoutstandingpitcherinlittleleague,expectingtomakeitbiginhighschool.itdidn'thappenthatway.hefailedtomoveupfromthejuniorvarsityteam.buthestuckitout.eventually,asasenior,hemoveduptothevarsity.hewonhalftheteam'sgames.atgraduation,thecoachnameddanieltheteam'smostvaluableplayer.

hisfinesthour,though,cameataschoolsciencefair.heenteredanexhibitshowinghowthecirculatorysystemworks.hesketcheditoncardboard.itwasprimitiveandcrude,especiallyparedtothefancy,puterized,blinking-lightmodelsenteredbyotherstudents.mywife,sara,feltembarrassedforhim.

itturnedoutthattheotherkidshadnotdoheirownwork--theirparentshadmadetheirexhibits.asthejudgeswentontheirrounds,theyfoundthattheseotherkidscouldn'tanswertheirquestions.danielansweredeveryone.whenthejudgesawardedthealberteinsteinplaqueforthebestexhibit,theygaveittohim.

bythetimedanielleftforcollegehestoodsixfeettallandweighed170pounds.hewasmuscularandinsuperbcondition.butheneverpitchedanotherinning.hefoundthathecouldnotbineathleticswithacademics.hegaveupbaseballforenglishliterature.iwassorrythathewouldnotdevelophisathletictalent,butproudthathehadmadesuchamaturedecision.hegraduatedwitha"b"average.

oneday,itolddanielthatthegreatfailinginmylifehadbeenthatididn'ttakeayearortwoofftotravelwhenifinishedcollege.

thisisthebestway,tomywayofthinking,tobroadenoneselfanddevelopalargerperspectiveonlife.onceihadmarriedandbegunworking,ifoundthatthedreamoflivinginanotherculturehadvanished.

danielthoughtaboutthis.hisyuppiefriendssaidthathewouldbeinsaoputhiscareeronhold.buthedecideditwasn'tsocrazy.aftergraduation,heworkedasawaiter,abikemessenger,andahousepainter.withthemoneyheearned,hehadenoughtogotoparis.

thenightbeforehewastoleave,itossedinbed.iwastryingtofigureoutsomethingtosay.nothingcametomind.maybe,ithought,itwasn'tnecessarytosayanything.

whatdoesitmatterinthecourseofalifetimeifafathernevertellsasonwhathereallythinksofhim?butasistoodbeforedaniel,iknewthatitdoesmatter.myfatherandilovedeachother.yet,ialwaysregrettedneverhearinghimputhisfeelingsintowordsandneverhavingthememoryofthatmoment.

now,icouldfeelmypalmssweatandmythroattighten.whyisitsohardtotellasonsomethingfromtheheart?mymouthturneddry.iknewiwouldbeabletogetoutonlyafewwordsclearly.

"daniel,"isaid,"ificouldhavepicked,iwouldhavepickedyou."

that'sallicouldsay.iwasn'tsureheunderstoodwhatimeant.thenhecametowardmeandthrewhisarmsaroundme.foramoment,theworldandallitspeoplevanished,andtherewasjustdanielandme.

hewassayingsomething,butmyeyesmistedover,andicouldn'tunderstandwhathewassaying.alliwasawareofwasthestubbleonhischinashisfacepressedagainstmine.andthen,themomentended,anddanielleftforfrance.

ithinkabouthimwheniwalkalongthebeachonweekends.thousandsofmilesaway,somewhereoutpasttheoceanwavesbreakingonthedesertedshore,hemightbescurryingacrossboulevardsaintgermain,strollingthroughamustyhallwayofthelouvre,bendinganelbowinaleftbankcafé.

whatisaidtodanielwasclumsyandtrite.itwasnothing.andyet,itwaseverything.